Thursday, October 22, 2015

October 21 2015

Chris took the kids off to pass candy to the rest of the employees where he worked as I stood there.  Purposeless and awkwardly staring into the faces of what was at least four but seems like it may have been five of the people Chris tells me about almost every day.  It seemed as they looked at me expectantly.  Like I was supposed to say something clever or spontaneously burst into glitter.  

Or at least that is how it felt.  Really they were all just trying to be polite but all I could think was a silent prayer over and over that I would not say something that would embarrass Chris or get him in trouble.  I love that Chris tells me things.  But I have proven either brilliant in these situations or epicly offensive.  I don't seem to strike a medium.  So there I was.  what do I say?  They told me that they enjoyed working with Chris and I said of course they did.  I knew he was wonderful but I worried that they didn't know it.  And then worried that  I had said something that would get him in trouble, I clammed up and mentioned that Was that the wrong thing to say?  Was that presumptuous of me?  I mean, the CEO was right there.  The CFO then tried to cushion, saying that of course that is why I married him.  But then all I could think was 'I didn't marry Chris because I thought he would be well off'  so of course I said I married him because he was good looking.  It was a love at first sight kind of thing for me, but he took some convincing.  Then they said that the girl always feels that way... and oh no, there I was.  Now not only did I marry him because I thought he was going to be wealthy, but because I was one of those marry desperate type.  I didn't want to sit there and explain that I had actually been very opposed to getting married at all I didn't want to sit there and explain that I currently couldn't stand motherhood, that I was desperate to be in a fulfilling career. That when I looked in the mirror all I could see was an exhausted, aging, mind numb, bone weary, lonely, insignificant mom who hated what she saw.  
I think I felt the full weight of my confusion.  I was exhausted.  I haven't slept well at night at all these last few nights.  I try to sleep but I just can't.  it is the worst.  and when I finally do, Isaac cries, or Esther cries and cries and cries till I have basically spent the night sleepless and on the floor in her room.  I haven't eaten properly in months.  I think my sisters are convinced I have an eating disorder because when I snatched a minute to talk on skype and stuff a hastily thrown together sandwich, my sister complemented me on eating something.  Particularly something nourishing.  It was awful to realize that I look like that to other people.  But I do have an eating disorder.  It is called a load of kids.  I also have a bladder disorder.  I go to the gym every morning, in large part because if I don't I have to wait to pee till Isaac takes a nap and Ethan and Esther are not going to cry and bang down the door because they can't reach me.  Realistically I have to just wait till everyone is in bed that night.  Sometimes I can when Chris gets home.  
Anyway, sure, I have a sleeping disorder and an eating disorder and a bowl disorder.  And in spite of that, I was standing there.  Trying to think of something, anything that would not embarrass Chris.  I complemented Gary, that Chris missed working with him, not that he was unhappy working where he was, he is always happy, but he misses you.  Oh no!  I have said too much.  Panic.  Chris is a good man, a great husband and excellent father.  And I had nothing else to say.  I couldn't think of a single thing to say that I trusted myself to say in a way that would not create a problem.  
When we had first walked in with our twins people asked if twins run in the family.  They always do.  I have failed that question in the past.  Ending with an epic 'it was fertility, but the problem was me, not Chris.  Chris is a fertility God, fertility god, fertility god'  yeah, I didn't say it three times but I might as well have.  That was another work party at a different company.  So when they asked again, everyone sat there expectantly.  And they actually waited the five seconds of silence while Chris and I stared back and forth at each other, remembering last time.  We struggled to think of the right thing to say.  Finally I said simply that they were fertility twins.  and that the infertility ran in my family.  And that if they ever wanted to hear a painfully awkward story about that particular question to catch me another time.  It is kinda funny when I say it now.  But it was just a reminder of how bad I could be at these meetings.  
Why was I there?  Why was I so out of place?  I was so far away from that intelligent accomplished woman I always had set out to be.  Why was I there?  

And now I sit here running over the later conversations and... why didn't I say this or that?  Why is it that at best I am a fortune hunter or simply a marriage hungry baby maker?  Or either a trophy wife or a nag?  And how can that possibly be when I was so bright in college with so many opportunities?  How can that be?  I am working.  I have been, till I have become a stuttering awkward fortune hunter with an eating disorder? 
And so, my dear friends, what is my recourse?  What are the sensible actions I have taken to rectify my confusion and desperation?  I am soaking my sore tendentious feet, and with a hot cup of coca in my hands, I am watching pride and prejudice.  Isaac is restless anyway.  He keeps waking and crying and fussing.  Parker started wandering the halls crying because he had a bad dream.  He had a nightmare that I had disappeared.  
After snuggling in with him, he put his arm around me and pulled the blanket around the both of us.  I told him that I will always be here, loving him.  Even while he is at school, even always, even after we are both old and I have died, I will still be here doing my best to help him.  Because I am his mommy.  And that is what I do.

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