- Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly. Choices should evaporate when they misbehave. Which means that they need to be feeling choices consistently throughout the day. It is easier and harder than it sounds.
- Provide choices only on things that don't create a problem for anyone and 100% commit to them. Give an a and b option and let them choose:
Which shoe do you want to put on first, the left or the right?
Would you like to have fun today or not have fun?
Do you want to say dinner prayer or bedtime prayer?
While we wait would you like to wait with your pockets on your chair or standing against a wall?
Would you like to wash your hair first or use soap on your body first?
Would you like to eat your noodles first or your broccoli?
When your friend leaves do you want to give them hugs or high fives?
Would you like to brush your teeth on the top or bottom first?
Would you like to play at the table or on the floor?
Would you like to keep your hands folded or on your lap?
Would you like to read book a or b first?
"Would you like to do your flashcards first or your notebook"
- After giving choices wait 10 seconds (count in your head, not out loud- this is not count down to 'or else'). If they still haven't chosen, chose for them, and commit, don't go back. They will learn quickly to be more decisive.
- Every time you give your little one a chance to make a choice (no matter how simple and silly the choice seems to you) you make a 'deposit' of good will with your kid. It satisfies their desperate need to make choices and have a level of control over their lives. It is completely healthy and natural for them to want it. Just make sure that the choices they are making are appropriate to their age.
- As long as we tend their need to choose as often as we can and in situations appropriate to their safety and age, we will have made enough emotional 'deposits' to make a 'withdrawal' when it really is time to go to bed, or go to school, or take a bath. We can give choices around these events that give them the sense of investment and degree of control, but we still get to choose that the bedtime, school or bath is going to happen. It is shocking to see this work. But it does. Often. Be careful to still give choices when there is no looming thing they don't want. Remembering to remind them that they are actively choosing Legos over Jenga is hard because it is obvious. But reminding them that they have chosen anything at all is going to add to the choices bank account. Even when they ask permission to do something like go outside and play, simply adding 'you choose' to whatever thing they are requesting (that you already are ok with) still gives them the added satisfaction of feeling like they are choosing something that they were clearly already choosing and didn't even realize it. It gives them back some of their power and they feel it.
"Dad, can I go play with toys now?"
"It is okay with me, you choose."
"Mom can I have an apple?"
"I am okay with it, you decide."
"Dad can I go outside?"
"That's fine with me, it's up to you"
"Mom can I feed my little sister to the dog?"
"Sure, you... Wait, what?!"
Good luck.
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