Monday, November 4, 2019

There is no book for this

I continued to read, if I didn't actually post my parenting homework.  Some books I dropped completely.  Most loudly, Love and Logic.  Great name, and I see why people like it.  Lots of the tips in there are effective, but I think more short term.  It is more of a how to manipulate your kids, 101, but most kids are smart enough that the sincere acting they encourage you to do is transparent to them.  Also, ideas like walking away or around the corner till your kid realizes they were dawdling and that you are gone is just plain stupid.  That is a quick way to turn going in to the grocery store into a malicious game of hide and seek.  And they will hide. 

So, while I applaud their emphasis on living natural consequences and enabling parents to look ahead for problems, I wouldn't recommend the book.  

And please, to anyone writing a parenting book, and I have read so, so many at this point, never do those dumb examples of 'the good parent who follows my system is going to grow to make their mommy proud. And the bad parent who doesn't use our method needs to start saving bailout money.'  They are so insulting.  There are a million ways to parent successfully and still totally miss the mark.  Because kids are beautiful people. And they still get to make their choices.  And parents are beautiful people.  And we all screw up in more ways than any one parenting book can fix.  Deal with it, people.  

I would like to imagine that our kids feel our intent.  And I would like to imagine that our intents as parents is to lovingly help them grow into people who can navigate the world competently, responsibly and respectfully.  And I do believe that we, as parents, often convince ourselves that we are doing that.  And then I read an actually good parenting book.

I have noticed that the parenting books worth the paper they are printed on start with the parent.  Yup, sorry folks.  Because while kids come with their personalities and quarks, really, the problem is us.  It is me, it is you.  We are still starving and struggling to get our own childhood traumas resolved with the same failing tools that didn't work then and still don't work now.  

And we are trying to do it while navigating the world responsibly and respectfully.  Oh and completely sleep deprived because little Cindy has been having nightmares for the last two weeks while her brother also has an incredible cold that keeps him from breathing so he wakes up every two hours crying and coughing.  And the other brother wakes up at 5 am, swimming in his own pee even though you told him not to drink water after 7 pm and go to the bathroom twice before going to bed.  And the other other brother is angry at the oldest sister because he needs to take a bath but she is still in there because she hasn't been able to go No 2.  And you know she tends to be constipated, that is why you get the super extra fiber breakfast cereal and beg her to be sure to try to poo at least once a day... just try.  But you can lead a horse to water ...  And your husband has been out of town for the weekend and is going to have to be gone Monday.  Till after bedtime.  Because of work.  And you are coming down with that cold that sick kid has but you still have to take your kid to swim lessons, and get the laundry through because all of the boys are out of clothes and you can't ask them to just go one more day on old laundry because it is all soaked in pee from the daily pee jamies that are thrown in there.  But you can't get the loads through any quicker because an allergist said your kid has a dust mite - a dust mite?- allergy and you have to wash the sheets weekly and you are just behind.  And the dog is eating the Halloween candy.  Because of course it is Halloween and of course your kids need to have a wonderful childhood that includes running around the neighborhood in 30 degree weather in the dark to gather enough candy to make a small army sick.  And it is.  My small army is sick with candy.  But I am too tired and overwhelmed to do anything else about it because I am still picking the needles out of my bedroom carpet.  Because after whip stitching an Umbrion costume together for one of the kids, another kid knocked over the pin holder and the other kids were making 'I love mom' notes with construction paper and left everything out so of course the dog also got to it and tore it to shreds which then the smallest kids played in and the older kids walked through.  And I am yelling to the kids with my direct, 'non-passive-aggressive phrases I learned from a great parenting book, in a tone that is appropriately assertive and not crazy at all' to stop chasing the dog around, put him in his crate, get the garbage out, no not while the dog is still... and the dog gets to the garbage first and drags the garbage everywhere and outside because somehow the back door was open.  Of course it was open.  and now there is garbage strewn around the back yard.  And then all of those beautiful kids look at you with their beautiful eyes.  You know that some day there will be judgement instead of worry and concern because mom is clearly going to loose it.  

And you don't loose it, because Becky Baily says accept the moment.  'It is what it is' you hear her repeating in your mind.

It is what it is.  No judgments.  So instead you hide in the bathroom for a moment of peace until you can kid coach productively (Gottman, Raising an Emotionally intelligent child).  The kids follow you.  And you say you have to go to the bathroom so they respectfully close the door and then start talking to you.  All of them.  At the same time.  Hoping for:
Sympathy 'my love card for you was eaten!  I worked so hard.' (times of distress in your kids are opportunities for intimacy - Bailey, effective mirroring) "you sound so disappointed and angry" (Briggs, Gottman, Bailey, Moorman)
Tattle-tailing 'He started it when he fed the dog paper!' (help them identify feelings, 'how did it make you feel?' Bailey), 
Help  'the glue spilled and now it is gone!' (avoid leaned helplessness "sounds like you have a problem, I know you can handle it" Moorman)   
Food When are we going to eat? (you forgot the schedule, baby-wise would be disappointed)
MooooommmmmYYYYY(as the five-year-old jiggles the door handle) when are you coming out? 
And since you can't find the peace in your space, you look inside for that one place in your body that might have peace or safety (McLaren).  You start taking inventory of 'inside' when your pocket starts to buzz. You jump up, not having realized your phone was precariously close to the open toilet bowl.  It is your husband.  He is going to be out of town next week.  Very important. You hope the next best emotional alternative isn't going with them as well (trust. Gottman).  Oh, and how do you feel about his flying away for a day during our family Thanksgiving vacation with your family?  He will only miss a day.  They will pay for the flights out and back.

Cornered, alone and surrounded in your half bathroom with the crumbling grout crunching between your toes, the loose tiles shifting, the faux brick wall paper peeling, and dimming florescent light-bulb's orange light illuminating the paint chipping off the toilet paper roll holder and the empty toilet paper roll.  The small garbage can you bought with money given to you at your wedding 12 years ago?  13?  an eternity?  The garbage can needs wiping down.  But to do that you would have to empty it as it is full to overflowing with tissue, a wrapper from thermals you picked up at the grocery store because it was snowing and as you were freezing you realized your only warm clothing was worn through and no longer-

It was silent outside.

The kids are gone.  Sometime during the phone call and... your despondent musings, they are gone.  

You look at the phone in your hand.  you could take a minute.  You could use the duo-lingo app you downloaded to help you retain your Portuguese, and then never used.  Nah, your Portuguese is gone.  The scripture app, the youtube app, audible, Marco-polo, google, you cold browse the world.  It is quiet.  No one would ever know.  Or, you could actually go to the bathroom.  No one would ever know.

You could have gone to Oxford.  Looking at the exhausted person trapped in her own crumbling, flaking, peeling bathroom, no one would ever know. 

You are alone.  

You are alone, so you go out and start sweeping up the construction paper.  Your beautiful kids are down stairs building castles for each other with pillows and long balloons they bought themselves.  They wanted them to make swords and balloon dogs for other children every Friday at the public library.  Which they did do, without your prompting.  

There is no book for this.  

And then one of your kids comes up and hands you all the candies with nuts in them.  They remembered that you like those ones.  You put the broom down and hug them and begin to tell them how it makes you feel (Bailey, Briggs).  They give you kisses and as they run off you start to cry.  Maybe with relief, maybe with joy and love, maybe with exhaustion, despair, isolation, maybe with a little of all of it.  You sit and let the moment be (Levinne).  And then you keep sweeping.  
  

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Strengthen the Bond (kid parent homework #3)

Strengthen the Bond:


  • Over the course of a week pay close attention to what they really love.  Make a list.  



  • At lest three times a week, walk over to them and notice these interests.  



"I noticed..."


  • Do not end these statements with a judgment statement like "That's great!" or "I love that!"  I think the reason being that kids love getting positive attention and often will stop exploring if they have found a 'pre-approved' 'great' thing that they believe will get them particular attention and restrict creativity.  The hope is that you are validating who they are as themselves or acting as a 'mirror' to help them recognize their own feelings. It's not how you feel.  


Well, honestly, I didn't make a list.  But I did carefully watch my kids and if they were playing joyfully with play-dough for a while, I would say 'I noticed you really enjoyed that Play dough.'  Across the board, kids seem to smile and say, 'uh huh.'  And that is about all you are gonna get, but they trend happier which makes me think that they do feel recognized.  I believe that using this on all emotions, without a judgment statement is invaluable.  I had an experience where my 7-year-old daughter was upset and kept asking why her throat felt tight.  I asked if she felt if she was about to cry and she said yes.  I told her that feeling was 'sad' and it was a real revelation for both of us.  Some kids need to be given labels for feelings.  I have others who knew how they felt about the world at their first breath.  But they all feel loved when I recognize and help them notice and label their likes, dislikes, and feelings without judgment.  Our relationship is more intimate when I am consistently doing it.

Not long after my talk about 'sad' with Lyra, I had a conversation with my boy,Ethan, who was about four at the time. I had a chart with pictures of 'feelings' faces and we would go around and ask what everyone was feeling and people would pick a face that best matched their mood.  Actually, they loved it.  We even discovered that often times you feel like more than one face at a time: Happy/Excited, Sad/Enraged, Confused/nervous.  I would do this in both happy and angry times. It even helped them to calm down if they were able to point out and talk about what they felt.  But with Ethan, even after a big fight or while my boy still had tears streaming down his cheeks, he would always point to 'Happy.'  After yelling at his brother 'Happy.'  After throwing a tantrum 'Happy.'  After loosing his favorite toy 'Happy.'  Finally I pointed out the tears on his face and his down turned mouth and asked why he still thought he was 'Happy' all the time.  Finally he told me 'Well, Daddy is always happy.'

This beautiful boy was going to be 'Happy" come hell or high water because, more than anything, he wanted to be like Dad, who always was 'Happy,' even when he wasn't.  I brought in Dad, who assured little Ethan that he did feel all the emotions, even if he didn't always show it.  Our kids need all their emotions.  They need to know how useful 'Sad' is.  I mean, if it was important in Inside Out...  ok, weak joke.  I did, however, use that one to explain to my kids all sorts of useful and 'negative' emotions. Our kids will not defend themselves on the playground if they don't understand anger and how useful it can be.

Also, Your Child's Self-esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs has an excellent chapter (8) on how being honest about your emotions (angry, sad, frustrated included) is essential to building trust with your kids.  The example of a kid walking in on his mom angrily sweeping the floor and automatically assuming that she found his contraband pet frog under the bed makes so much sense.  The mom was mad about a fight she had with someone, but I agree that kids need to be assured that the angry isn't about them.  Kids pick up on so much more than even they know.  Be as appropriately honest with them about your feelings as you can be.  They will trust you and themselves more, or that is what Briggs says, and it has been true with my five.  .. When I am awesome enough to pull it off.

She also has a couple really good chapters on parental 'mirrors.'  But the book is a heavy read and written in the 70's.  I thought a good deal of it was worth it.  I suspect as I continue through Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child  by John Gottman, I will find other similar stuff.

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Explanation

So I wrote up the last two posts and realized how strange they might look.

I feel like there are some really good parenting books out there and I have been lucky enough to run across some.  But it is hard to get to their message through all the posing and judging and insulting examples of Jane the baby wise parent has an awesome baby because they follow these guidelines.  Fran's baby is a lost cause because she didn't use our methods.  I get it; by the time you are writing a book you feel pretty extreme about some of your methods.  It seems they feel that anyone who does not agree is ensuring their children end up as juvenile delinquents.  Jails are full, but not that full, folks.

To help some of us, my sister put together a marcopolo group where we go over the best of a few fantastic books.  We do our best to ignore the asinine examples and implement the principles and ideas in them and then talk it over to see if we think we are getting it right and/or if it is working.

I have been writing out some of the 'homework' that is coming out of the reading, so that I can track some of our Progress.  Anyway, that is what that is all about.  Maybe some day I will actually write out some of my embarrassing and adorable successes and failures with this.  But I feel like business first.

Some of the books we have been drawing from are:

 Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years by Charels and Jim Fay
Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A Bailey, Ph.D
Parent Talk: Words that Empower, Words that Wound by Chick Moorman.

And hopefully in the future add in

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by  John Gottman Ph. D.


End Whining (Kid Parent Homework #2)

End the Whining (homework #2)

  • Teach the difference between an whining voice and a 'kid' voice.  Ok, this is one of those moments when it is just fun to be a parent because you can model the difference between 'whining' and 'kid' voice.  Kids think it is absolutely hilarious when Parents, playfully, turn into big whiner babies.  It's a good time, try it.  Have them try the difference and practice phrases in whining voice and 'kid' voice.  
  • After they have been taught, very clearly, the difference between whining voice and kid voice, so long as they are whining over something that is not a serious need, kindly, and lovingly be confused.  Kids pick up on insincerity really quickly.  It is tempting to be sarcastic, but that will only make the situation turn angry.  You really do want to help them.  You love them.  Lock onto that and with all your love, remember that 'Whining' is now a language you don't speak.  Lovingly and with concern say: 
'I can see you want to tell me something.  I really want to help you, I just can't quite understand you.'  In all fairness sometimes it really is hard to understand when they are in full whining mode.  If they really aren't catching on you can try 'could you please try saying it in a kid voice?'  

  • Persevere.  If they keep whining, continue to genuinely struggle to understand them.  If it persists you can always walk away and take a break.  They will figure it out.  If it goes full tantrum mode, maybe there is a real need here you are missing or maybe they need to cool off in a safe place for a while.  Do your best.  
I figure that if I get it wrong this time round, no doubt I will get another try.

  • Extra credit: 
"Tell me what you want"

Once they are using a 'kid' voice, the content of the no-longer-whining voice, is still sometimes whining.  "why did they get a treat?"  "why don't I ever..." "they always..." I have been trying to coach my kids out of that (unsuccessfully so far) to say what they want instead.  It isn't nearly as grating and then you can address their real focus instead of the side complaint. "I want a treat, to!" "I want to do the thing that they are doing." "I want a turn to..." 


It is easy to know that you don't like something, but what a gift to know what you want.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Choices for young children (Kid Parent homework #1)

Choices for young children


  • Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.  Choices should evaporate when they misbehave.  Which means that they need to be feeling choices consistently throughout the day. It is easier and harder than it sounds.
  • Provide choices only on things that don't create a problem for anyone and 100% commit to them. Give an a and b option and let them choose:

Which shoe do you want to put on first, the left or the right?  
Would you like to have fun today or not have fun? 
Do you want to say dinner prayer or bedtime prayer?  
While we wait would you like to wait with your pockets on your chair or standing against a wall?
  Would you like to wash your hair first or use soap on your body first?  
Would you like to eat your noodles first or your broccoli?  
When your friend leaves do you want to give them hugs or high fives?  
Would you like to brush your teeth on the top or bottom first?  
Would you like to play at the table or on the floor?  
Would you like to keep your hands folded or on your lap?  
Would you like to read book a or b first?
"Would you like to do your flashcards first or your notebook"

  • After giving choices wait 10 seconds (count in your head, not out loud- this is not count down to 'or else').  If they still haven't chosen, chose for them, and commit, don't go back.  They will learn quickly to be more decisive.  
  • Every time you give your little one a chance to make a choice (no matter how simple and silly the choice seems to you) you make a 'deposit' of good will with your kid. It satisfies their desperate need to make choices and have a level of control over their lives.  It is completely healthy and natural for them to want it.  Just make sure that the choices they are making are appropriate to their age.
  • As long as we tend their need to choose as often as we can and in situations appropriate to their safety and age, we will have made enough emotional 'deposits' to make a 'withdrawal' when it really is time to go to bed, or go to school, or take a bath.  We can give choices around these events that give them the sense of investment and degree of control, but we still get to choose that the bedtime, school or bath is going to happen.  It is shocking to see this work.  But it does.  Often.  Be careful to still give choices when there is no looming thing they don't want.  Remembering to remind them that they are actively choosing Legos over Jenga is hard because it is obvious.  But reminding them that they have chosen anything at all is going to add to the choices bank account.  Even when they ask permission to do something like go outside and play, simply adding 'you choose' to whatever thing they are requesting (that you already are ok with)  still gives them the added satisfaction of feeling like they are choosing something that they were clearly already choosing and didn't even realize it.  It gives them back some of their power and they feel it.
"Dad, can I go play with toys now?"

"It is okay with me, you choose."

"Mom can I have an apple?"
"I am okay with it, you decide."

"Dad can I go outside?"
"That's fine with me, it's up to you"

"Mom can I feed my little sister to the dog?"
"Sure, you... Wait, what?!"

Good luck.