There is no book for this

I continued to read, if I didn't actually post my parenting homework.  Some books I dropped completely.  Most loudly, Love and Logic.  Great name, and I see why people like it.  Lots of the tips in there are effective, but I think more short term.  It is more of a how to manipulate your kids, 101, but most kids are smart enough that the sincere acting they encourage you to do is transparent to them.  Also, ideas like walking away or around the corner till your kid realizes they were dawdling and that you are gone is just plain stupid.  That is a quick way to turn going in to the grocery store into a malicious game of hide and seek.  And they will hide. 

So, while I applaud their emphasis on living natural consequences and enabling parents to look ahead for problems, I wouldn't recommend the book.  

And please, to anyone writing a parenting book, and I have read so, so many at this point, never do those dumb examples of 'the good parent who follows my system is going to grow to make their mommy proud. And the bad parent who doesn't use our method needs to start saving bailout money.'  They are so insulting.  There are a million ways to parent successfully and still totally miss the mark.  Because kids are beautiful people. And they still get to make their choices.  And parents are beautiful people.  And we all screw up in more ways than any one parenting book can fix.  Deal with it, people.  

I would like to imagine that our kids feel our intent.  And I would like to imagine that our intents as parents is to lovingly help them grow into people who can navigate the world competently, responsibly and respectfully.  And I do believe that we, as parents, often convince ourselves that we are doing that.  And then I read an actually good parenting book.

I have noticed that the parenting books worth the paper they are printed on start with the parent.  Yup, sorry folks.  Because while kids come with their personalities and quarks, really, the problem is us.  It is me, it is you.  We are still starving and struggling to get our own childhood traumas resolved with the same failing tools that didn't work then and still don't work now.  

And we are trying to do it while navigating the world responsibly and respectfully.  Oh and completely sleep deprived because little Cindy has been having nightmares for the last two weeks while her brother also has an incredible cold that keeps him from breathing so he wakes up every two hours crying and coughing.  And the other brother wakes up at 5 am, swimming in his own pee even though you told him not to drink water after 7 pm and go to the bathroom twice before going to bed.  And the other other brother is angry at the oldest sister because he needs to take a bath but she is still in there because she hasn't been able to go No 2.  And you know she tends to be constipated, that is why you get the super extra fiber breakfast cereal and beg her to be sure to try to poo at least once a day... just try.  But you can lead a horse to water ...  And your husband has been out of town for the weekend and is going to have to be gone Monday.  Till after bedtime.  Because of work.  And you are coming down with that cold that sick kid has but you still have to take your kid to swim lessons, and get the laundry through because all of the boys are out of clothes and you can't ask them to just go one more day on old laundry because it is all soaked in pee from the daily pee jamies that are thrown in there.  But you can't get the loads through any quicker because an allergist said your kid has a dust mite - a dust mite?- allergy and you have to wash the sheets weekly and you are just behind.  And the dog is eating the Halloween candy.  Because of course it is Halloween and of course your kids need to have a wonderful childhood that includes running around the neighborhood in 30 degree weather in the dark to gather enough candy to make a small army sick.  And it is.  My small army is sick with candy.  But I am too tired and overwhelmed to do anything else about it because I am still picking the needles out of my bedroom carpet.  Because after whip stitching an Umbrion costume together for one of the kids, another kid knocked over the pin holder and the other kids were making 'I love mom' notes with construction paper and left everything out so of course the dog also got to it and tore it to shreds which then the smallest kids played in and the older kids walked through.  And I am yelling to the kids with my direct, 'non-passive-aggressive phrases I learned from a great parenting book, in a tone that is appropriately assertive and not crazy at all' to stop chasing the dog around, put him in his crate, get the garbage out, no not while the dog is still... and the dog gets to the garbage first and drags the garbage everywhere and outside because somehow the back door was open.  Of course it was open.  and now there is garbage strewn around the back yard.  And then all of those beautiful kids look at you with their beautiful eyes.  You know that some day there will be judgement instead of worry and concern because mom is clearly going to loose it.  

And you don't loose it, because Becky Baily says accept the moment.  'It is what it is' you hear her repeating in your mind.

It is what it is.  No judgments.  So instead you hide in the bathroom for a moment of peace until you can kid coach productively (Gottman, Raising an Emotionally intelligent child).  The kids follow you.  And you say you have to go to the bathroom so they respectfully close the door and then start talking to you.  All of them.  At the same time.  Hoping for:

Sympathy 'my love card for you was eaten!  I worked so hard.' (times of distress in your kids are opportunities for intimacy - Bailey, effective mirroring) "you sound so disappointed and angry" (Briggs, Gottman, Bailey, Moorman)

Tattle-tailing 'He started it when he fed the dog paper!' (help them identify feelings, 'how did it make you feel?' Bailey), 

Help  'the glue spilled and now it is gone!' (avoid leaned helplessness "sounds like you have a problem, I know you can handle it" Moorman)   

Food When are we going to eat? (you forgot the schedule, baby-wise would be disappointed)

MooooommmmmYYYYY(as the five-year-old jiggles the door handle) when are you coming out? 

And since you can't find the peace in your space, you look inside for that one place in your body that might have peace or safety (McLaren).  You start taking inventory of 'inside' when your pocket starts to buzz. You jump up, not having realized your phone was precariously close to the open toilet bowl.  It is your husband.  He is going to be out of town next week.  Very important. You hope the next best emotional alternative isn't going with them as well (trust. Gottman).  Oh, and how do you feel about his flying away for a day during our family Thanksgiving vacation with your family?  He will only miss a day.  They will pay for the flights out and back.

Cornered, alone and surrounded in your half bathroom with the crumbling grout crunching between your toes, the loose tiles shifting, the faux brick wall paper peeling, and dimming florescent light-bulb's orange light illuminating the paint chipping off the toilet paper roll holder and the empty toilet paper roll.  The small garbage can you bought with money given to you at your wedding 12 years ago?  13?  an eternity?  The garbage can needs wiping down.  But to do that you would have to empty it as it is full to overflowing with tissue, a wrapper from thermals you picked up at the grocery store because it was snowing and as you were freezing you realized your only warm clothing was worn through and no longer-

It was silent outside.

The kids are gone.  Sometime during the phone call and... your despondent musings, they are gone.  

You look at the phone in your hand.  you could take a minute.  You could use the duo-lingo app you downloaded to help you retain your Portuguese, and then never used.  Nah, your Portuguese is gone.  The scripture app, the youtube app, audible, Marco-polo, google, you cold browse the world.  It is quiet.  No one would ever know.  Or, you could actually go to the bathroom.  No one would ever know.

You could have gone to Oxford.  Looking at the exhausted person trapped in her own crumbling, flaking, peeling bathroom, no one would ever know. 

You are alone.  

You are alone, so you go out and start sweeping up the construction paper.  Your beautiful kids are down stairs building castles for each other with pillows and long balloons they bought themselves.  They wanted them to make swords and balloon dogs for other children every Friday at the public library.  Which they did do, without your prompting.  

There is no book for this.  

And then one of your kids comes up and hands you all the candies with nuts in them.  They remembered that you like those ones.  You put the broom down and hug them and begin to tell them how it makes you feel (Bailey, Briggs).  They give you kisses and as they run off you start to cry.  Maybe with relief, maybe with joy and love, maybe with exhaustion, despair, isolation, maybe with a little of all of it.  You sit and let the moment be (Levinne).  And then you keep sweeping.