Strengthen the Bond (kid parent homework #3)

Strengthen the Bond:

• Over the course of a week pay close attention to what they really love.  Make a list.  

• At lest three times a week, walk over to them and notice these interests.  

"I noticed..."

• Do not end these statements with a judgment statement like "That's great!" or "I love that!"  I think the reason being that kids love getting positive attention and often will stop exploring if they have found a 'pre-approved' 'great' thing that they believe will get them particular attention and restrict creativity.  The hope is that you are validating who they are as themselves or acting as a 'mirror' to help them recognize their own feelings. It's not how you feel.  

Well, honestly, I didn't make a list.  But I did carefully watch my kids and if they were playing joyfully with play-dough for a while, I would say 'I noticed you really enjoyed that Play dough.'  Across the board, kids seem to smile and say, 'uh huh.'  And that is about all you are gonna get, but they trend happier which makes me think that they do feel recognized.  I believe that using this on all emotions, without a judgment statement is invaluable.  I had an experience where my 7-year-old daughter was upset and kept asking why her throat felt tight.  I asked if she felt if she was about to cry and she said yes.  I told her that feeling was 'sad' and it was a real revelation for both of us.  Some kids need to be given labels for feelings.  I have others who knew how they felt about the world at their first breath.  But they all feel loved when I recognize and help them notice and label their likes, dislikes, and feelings without judgment.  Our relationship is more intimate when I am consistently doing it.

Not long after my talk about 'sad' with Lyra, I had a conversation with my boy,Ethan, who was about four at the time. I had a chart with pictures of 'feelings' faces and we would go around and ask what everyone was feeling and people would pick a face that best matched their mood.  Actually, they loved it.  We even discovered that often times you feel like more than one face at a time: Happy/Excited, Sad/Enraged, Confused/nervous.  I would do this in both happy and angry times. It even helped them to calm down if they were able to point out and talk about what they felt.  But with Ethan, even after a big fight or while my boy still had tears streaming down his cheeks, he would always point to 'Happy.'  After yelling at his brother 'Happy.'  After throwing a tantrum 'Happy.'  After loosing his favorite toy 'Happy.'  Finally I pointed out the tears on his face and his down turned mouth and asked why he still thought he was 'Happy' all the time.  Finally he told me 'Well, Daddy is always happy.'

This beautiful boy was going to be 'Happy" come hell or high water because, more than anything, he wanted to be like Dad, who always was 'Happy,' even when he wasn't.  I brought in Dad, who assured little Ethan that he did feel all the emotions, even if he didn't always show it.  Our kids need all their emotions.  They need to know how useful 'Sad' is.  I mean, if it was important in Inside Out...  ok, weak joke.  I did, however, use that one to explain to my kids all sorts of useful and 'negative' emotions. Our kids will not defend themselves on the playground if they don't understand anger and how useful it can be.

Also, Your Child's Self-esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs has an excellent chapter (8) on how being honest about your emotions (angry, sad, frustrated included) is essential to building trust with your kids.  The example of a kid walking in on his mom angrily sweeping the floor and automatically assuming that she found his contraband pet frog under the bed makes so much sense.  The mom was mad about a fight she had with someone, but I agree that kids need to be assured that the angry isn't about them.  Kids pick up on so much more than even they know.  Be as appropriately honest with them about your feelings as you can be.  They will trust you and themselves more, or that is what Briggs says, and it has been true with my five.  .. When I am awesome enough to pull it off.

She also has a couple really good chapters on parental 'mirrors.'  But the book is a heavy read and written in the 70's.  I thought a good deal of it was worth it.  I suspect as I continue through Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child  by John Gottman, I will find other similar stuff.